Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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