When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize