I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
