My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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