My first STD was from a foam party
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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