highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
