have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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