his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
