why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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