and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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