gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
