I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
