Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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