I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We just shotgunned beers for America
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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