dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she told me i tasted like america
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize