my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.