Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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