I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people