Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.

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(774): I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me. http://tfl.nu/t4sa

Replies (9) Good night (804) Bad night (2937)
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(845): View more from New York

If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

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(845): If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt. http://tfl.nu/ayuf

Replies (147) Good night (1972) Bad night (5692)
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(412): He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick http://tfl.nu/s4cq

Replies (18) Good night (9541) Bad night (1663)
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(513): View more from Ohio

They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real. http://tfl.nu/3nu3

Replies (32) Good night (2470) Bad night (6647)
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(518): View more from New York

I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.

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(518): I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold. http://tfl.nu/adho

Replies (4) Good night (2103) Bad night (1066)
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(919): View more from North Carolina

You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell

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(919): You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell http://tfl.nu/8yas

Replies (4) Good night (2735) Bad night (1067)
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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(309): We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come? http://tfl.nu/kmdd

Replies (11) Good night (3482) Bad night (802)
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(225): View more from Louisiana

Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it

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(225): Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it http://tfl.nu/wgow

Replies (8) Good night (1245) Bad night (861)
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home

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(262): I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home http://tfl.nu/e4lh

Replies (4) Good night (928) Bad night (653)
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(415): View more from California

theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?

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(415): theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours? http://tfl.nu/bjo4

Replies (6) Good night (1157) Bad night (892)
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(903): View more from Texas

We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.

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(903): We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort. http://tfl.nu/9819

Replies (1) Good night (1282) Bad night (508)
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(573): View more from Missouri

I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.

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(573): I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators. http://tfl.nu/5v6t

Replies (6) Good night (490) Bad night (1173)
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(602): View more from Arizona

This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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(602): This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today... http://tfl.nu/mxzm

Replies (3) Good night (1525) Bad night (600)
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(206): View more from Washington

I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.

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(206): I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense. http://tfl.nu/5wxg

Replies (2) Good night (529) Bad night (416)
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(802): View more from Vermont

I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.

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(802): I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises. http://tfl.nu/ux2t

Replies (1) Good night (810) Bad night (386)

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