i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
