let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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