So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
