I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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