Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
