sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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