i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
