Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
