M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
