I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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