It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
