We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
