How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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