i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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