Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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