lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
