I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
