did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
