im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
