First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
