she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That was an excessively violent trivia night
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
