I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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