i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
