so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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