A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
