if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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