I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
