How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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