I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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