capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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