while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
