I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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