Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize