12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
