sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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