I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
