last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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