I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
