Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
