I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
People in love make me want to vomit
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
