the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
