It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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