Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
