i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
